The Time series
by Toni Harrison
Summary: Hopeless at summaries, a long old story written over the space of 6 months in 2001/2002. (Ainsley/Sam) Healthy slice of drama/angst/romance all from someone not really a shipper!
1. Becoming Known

Title: Becoming Known  
  
Author: Toni Harrison  
  
Rating: General  
  
Spoilers: ITWH, AISTTC, LDC  
  
Summary: The thoughts of someone new.  
  
Archive: Definitely...Just give me a yell. :)  
  
Feedback: Yes please to tonibuffs@a... my first fic, would love any comments! I'm posting this again cos it's taken me ages to get the second part written so thought it'd be best to post the first bit again! Thanks! I know there are some spelling errors but it's gone midnight and I want my bed...sorry!  
  
Authors stuff and nonsense: This idea came to me this afternoon at 2.30pm when I was invigilating an assessment. Major thanks has to go  
  
to Charlotte for all the encouragement (some people might call it nagging!) :) she's given me in the last few weeks to get this my  
  
first ever fic done. And a massive thanks to Charlotte for the wonderful beta and for pointing out that I was talking nonsense with  
  
my original venue and lots of other gibberish! Thankyou!  
  
**************************************  
  
Becoming Known  
  
It had been a long time since she'd felt this sense of nervousnes and anticipation. There had been so many phone calls, so much bargaining just for this one opportunity.  
  
From the first time she'd watched an inaguaration and seen Ronald Reagan taking his oath of allegiance, she had worked for these days, she hated to admit and could never have foreseen it this way but every day she felt she was becoming one of *THEM*.  
  
Even the sharp-witted, barbed and acerbic comments sometimes said to her face but more often said as she walked by and said loudly enough to leave her in no doubt of their feelings towards her all because of that decision seemed to be lessening these days. Maybe she was growing immune to it, maybe it was her imagination, maybe it was *that* man once again who was responsible for redeeming her faith in this place.  
  
From the moment, she stood up in fifth grade at school to argue a point in a school debate regarding the second amendment, she had pledged her life to politics, always hoping but never imagining she would some day come to this place. Not for her were the Barbie dolls and worrying about whether brown mascara was more her colour than blue.  
  
People who didn't know her ambition always thought she would be the first one to get married with sixteen children in that "Little House on the Prairie", Living the merican dream kind of way. That was what everyone thought anyway but how on earth could they ever know? Never, though, would she have considered that, to her the easy option was never an option.  
  
Sure she had her dalliances and brushes with romance throughout her life and as she laboured from one failed relationship to the next, her mother would phone her to tell her in no uncertain terms what she was doing wrong with her life and that if she wasn't so obsessed with the 'P' word then she would be a happily married woman by now.  
  
It wasn't as though she didn't know the thrill of nervousness as she waited to meet a potential suitor. It could just never feel as good as the first time she had stepped into the shadow of Capitol Hill or get her first glimpse inside the White House. She would never admit to her friends how small it was inside and how it could just have easily been mistaken for any busy office from New York to Kentucky, except of course which other office in the world had *that* office and which other office made the hairs on the back of your neck rise as you told someone for the first time where you worked.  
  
She would never admit to her friends the loneliness and resentment she felt in her first day at the White House. Sure, she expected some measure of hostility because of the one stupid debate admittedly wasn't exactly private and had probably been seen by everyone in Washington alone. But they were supposed to be on the same side.  
  
The feeling of desolation when she got home that night faded to the resignation that she had to go back to that dingy office. Then to be faced with such warmth from the very people she had so resented just hours before, and to realise *that* man had been behind this gesture made her realise that perhaps 'the scum of the earth' as her father had so quaintly named them all those years before weren't too proud. Instead, they could be thoughtful, considerate and could learn to accept someone so different from them, someone with such conflicting views but who had the same goal as them. She admonishes herself again, the other man only the other day advised her not to talk in metaphors and cliches.  
  
*That* man was a person initially she was determined not to try hard with, he seemed decent enough but he was too clever by half and as for that smile, it was obvious he'd used it a thousand times before, she'd seen the pictures and condemned him at the time. Surely she couldn't get along with this man, surely she couldn't work with him, laugh with him, argue with him, agree with him. She was sure *that* man was someone she could never like. But who else would have thought of those gestures, offered her a smile, defended her and in the end offered her the first hand of friendship.  
  
Why on earth had she spent the last few days arguing, bargaining and selling her soulall for this one chance and all for *that* man? Why had she spent 5 minutes standing outside a life, ignoring the doors that opened and closed before her. Why now, when all her life she'd been a bright, level- headed person was she getting those butterflies again?  
  
Get in the lift she tells herself and does, smiling at the people to her right who this time smile back when last week they had sniggered. The lift door opens and she steps out, standing stock still again. Her foot won't move even the way she tells them to, she finds herself laughing and moving towards *that* man's office.  
  
She's finally here outside the office and despite herself, smiles as she looks at *that* man's face and *that* man's smile of recognition as he gestures for her to come into his office. *That* man finishes his phone call, standing up to look at her with concern, not disdain, as she remains silent and asks her if anything's wrong. She finally finds her voice.  
  
"If you were not too busy, and I know you are, but in view of the few months past, I want to thank you, though I know it is not entirely you I have to thank in all entirety, and guess what I still can't stop talking in iambic pantameter". *That* man smirks and closes the doors as he asks what she needs.  
  
"Okay, I'll try again, I have been arguing, haggling and selling my soul, which actually my family said I did the moment I stepped into this building but I actually don't think I've done as I'm here to serve my country and I feel I have to do my duty no matter which president I may be serving"  
  
*That* man begins to look worried and asks me if I banged my head on the pipes I have in my office.  
  
"That does it" she says "I have been arguing, haggling and selling my soul for this and to be quite honest with you, I don't know why". She hands over the envelope, crumpled in her nervousness to *that* man and looks with great interest at her shoes as he opens it.  
  
*That* man's statement changes from one of besument as to what this strange and contradictory and yet exciting and attractive could be giving him to one of delight.  
  
"Two box tickets for the D'oyley Cart production of HMS Pinafore at the Kennedy Center tonight!!!" He jumps around from his desk and moves to hug the woman in front of him but stops as she sees her expression change.  
  
She watches as *that* man whom she has spent every waking moment thinking of since he first smiled at her, him, Recording Secretary of the Princeton Gilbert & Sullivan Society, *that* man who helps her to learn the politics of 'the scum of the earth' - The Democratic Party, she silently admonishes herself once again - *that* man who she cannot bring herself to name from fear of what the silent thought of this name would mean in terms of her discretion and determination to prove herself in *this* White House. She watches *that* man move to hug her. Then remembers his name. Him - Sam Seaborn, she mouths to herself and realises she hasn't keeled over and Josiah Bartlett hasn't stepped into this office and told her he realises she's a fraud who cannot talk in proper sentences.  
  
She smiles to herself for the first time since she moved into this office.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED...................... 


	2. Dear Tess

Author: Toni Harrison Rating: General mainly with a tiny bit of PG and the odd very mild profanity! Spoilers:ITWH through to TWAH Summary: A letter to a friend Archive: Yep definitely...just let me know and I'd be really happy! :) Feedback: Devoured and much appreciated...be it positive or not so positive...I'd be really grateful to tonibuffs@aol.com I'm in the UK so doing fic is fast becoming my way of coping til whenever we get Season 3! :) Thanks for reading! Finally a huge thankyou to the wonderful Charlotte who's a brilliant writer and betaed for me....Thanks for being so honest and polishing the very rough edges..I so appreciate it. You're very cool! :) *************************** Dear Tess  
  
***************************  
  
2.45AM  
  
Dear Tess,  
Please forgive me for neglecting you so much recently....I think you may when you hear what I have to say .....what do you mean you don't wanna hear it?  
  
So it's like this: just a few weeks ago, I was a perfectly happy single woman and now I'm 6lbs lighter despite eating out for what seems like every night in those 73 days. For goodness sake, I'm better than this, Tess my dear friend!  
  
Ah, so much has happened since D'Oyley Carte..Admittedly it wasn't the best start....well, it wasn't my fault the tickets I got had the only obstructed view in the whole auditorium. And although the chivalry displayed by Sam...see, I told you, Tess, I can now say his name.SAM SAM SAM SAM SAM! No, I'm not losing my mind. This is the true result of drinking four creme de cacaos, my friend!  
  
Oh goddamit, get back to the story, Ainsley....As I was saying, his display of chivalry went down well. It was the standing next to him while he asked vociferously (albeit in a very Sam-like way) if they knew who he was and if they could see how short I was, thus making an enemy of everyone in the last fifteen rows of the auditorium and therefore doing a better job than any Republican of turning even the firmest Democrat against their party that didn't make the best of starts to any budding relation...friendship.  
  
Our friendship could only get better after the start it had had. We decided after much bobbing of our heads and at least one painful coming together (of our heads, that is) it would be better to call it quits and go for something to eat. Well, actually, I decided it, despite Sam's protestations that he could see perfectly and liked the idea of a completely innapropriate David Letterman lookalike playing the Pirate King. I was starving, dear Tess and the fact that we had so far spent nearly 90 minutes of our first date (did I say date? I meant...evening out as friends) having Sam lose his temper, bang our heads together and listening to my stomach making up its own musical accompaniment in a way Gilbert and Sullivan could never have imagined, decided it for me.  
  
So we went to a great little Italian restaurant, Ventimiglia's, where we talked and talked, and laughed and sang til the early hours of the morning. I don't know if we actually knew anything more about each other by the end of the night but the natural and easy way we talked together despite my occasional going off a tangent (who, me?) promised a friendship I could rely on. No more, no less.  
  
Sam's great, sweet, funny - and not at all the easy to figure out guy I thought he was. As I've said before in our many conversations, I'd heard all the sniping that he was just a pretty guy chosen for his looks and and the way he can soften any conversation with those eyes. Believe me, I've changed this opinion recently. He's changed even in the short time I've known him. What happened to Josh has affected Sam more than I think even he realises. His confidence in human nature has been dented, not permanently I think, (I hope) but he's not so self assured or trusting in the world. He seems so introspective at times and I can't seem to shake him out of the lulls in his mood.  
  
He has such complex relationships with everyone around him. There's Toby, a funny sort of guy. I can't make out his feelings towards Sam, he seems protective and yet dismissive, maybe there's insecurity there, maybe it's just that he wants to toughen Sam up for the battles he already knows lie ahead. CJ, he adores CJ, hell everyone does; she's smart, beautiful and works the press room like a charm, I know I'd be lost in that room. There seems to be a bond between them - not that I can work out what that bond is but it's there and, yup, occasionally I feel a stir of envy.  
  
Josh, his closest friend and ally, but oh boy, how that's been put to the test recently. Josh has PTSD following Rosslyn. Thing is, everyone was too wrapped up in the issues at this place they didn't notice til it was nearly too late and, yes, you guessed it, Sam feels that he's let Josh down. I have tried to get to Sam to open up but as he blocks me out, I can see him getting more tired and the smallest things are beginning to chip away at him and his beliefs. He thought he was Josh's best friend, but he couldn't save Josh from the PTSD.  
  
Hey, I know you can't absorb this doom and gloom for ever so I won't go on too long.....what else has happened? Well, we have been on so many nights out just the two of us, it's been great and just a little weird. I've found myself just knowing what he's gonna say next before he says it. He has a fascination for the strangest things. I could give him any starting point in the US and a finishing point in the furthest state away, he would give me four ways to travel there, People laugh at him or Leo looks at him in the way that only Leo can. When we've gone bowling, I now know that he likes to have two ice cold beers before he starts so relaxes and can do that little skippy run up that creases me up every time. I know how he hates losing and loves to listen to Don Henley on his stereo. Despite his health kick reputation, if we go out on a Thursday night, he always goes to Burger King for the largest chocolate milkshake they have. I had to stop myself from buying that dog eared but apparently hugely valuable Great Expectations copy we saw in the little second hand bookshop we visited. I see the way he fondly talks about his ex girlfriends, not that there have been many but the second I ask about Lisa, the smile disappears and the light is gone from his eyes. I really wish I knew what she did.  
  
He tells me I make him laugh and that he likes me 'as a potential friend' Yes, as a friend, Tess!, even despite the arguments we had. He likes that I talk in the way I do and that I am utterly delightful despite being a Blonde Republican that no-one likes (his words!). He's just teasing though. All men do, don't they? He keeps saying it'll get harder and harder to keep it a secret, What? I say....Us, he replies.....I really don't know what he's talking about.  
  
This evening, I feel good about life....The creme de cacao may again be having a rather positive impact on those feelings I admit and, oh boy, I would blame it on the bossanova but I already did that tonight and that was when the president comes in. Mark , the cute guy from Capitol Beat, I was on there tonight and he thinks I'm something else, well, he asked what I thought the president's opinion was and me being a honest straight talking girl said how the heck should I know I've never met the guy and hey presto next thing you know, Sam's saying I'll get you to meet the president..He really didn't need to. I sit in wet paint but in my defence so it would appear did half of the West Wing female staff and started dancing around in my room......You can guess what happened next! Oh, the mortification, and now Sam's saying he'll set it up all over again!......oops there's the doorbell......I'll be right back.  
  
4.45am  
  
Who was it that said a life can change so quickly?....Oh, that was me wasn't it? Sam was at the door and seemed restless, I being a complete klutz at times left him standing awkwardly on the doorstep while I smiled inanely and once again talked of the mortification brought on my family not to mention the $800 dollar suit I ruined on that seat tonight....When Sam pointedly asked if the speech was re-running again on C-Span I shamefacedly and hurriedly invited him in and turned on the tv. Sure enough, it was showing, As I went to make a coffee for Sam and turned to shout out some incredibly well thought out and observed comment on the speech, Sam was behind me and reached a hand out to my hair. I actually jumped back and did a crazy little dance on the spot and spilt milk all over myself. As I hastily excused myself to change, Sam followed me to the door of the bedroom and called my name. I still can't remember what happened next but here I am two hours later and, my god, Tess, now I know some other things about this man.  
  
I know the touch of his hand on my face, the caress of his lips against my neck, shoulders and mouth. I know the feeling of his hands on my waist and the way he actually picked me up and laid me on the bed and the gentle but insistent and spine tinglingly way he takes away all of your inhibitions and exhausts, exhilarates and feeds every sense in my body. The way his words aren't just incredible in print. The way he looks now, when he's asleep, so at peace, so handsome.  
  
The way he took every single thought that this was wrong and leaves me knowing that my life can never be the same again and that I'm no longer just his friend, not someone just to go bowling with, to laugh at my inability to talk in simple sentences, but a person he can count on. Someone he can tell all about Lisa and his disappointments and worries, someone else entirely in his life. This man who I like and makes me feel good about myself, a man who touches me in a way no other can ....This man who I , oh Tess, I know I ask so much of you and you're just a diary but... I just can't bring myself to say it..................................  
  
TO BE CONTINUED................. 


	3. Warm of day, cold of night

Title: Warm of day/Cold of night  
  
Author: Toni Harrison  
  
Rating: General with a touch of PG towards the end  
  
Spoilers: The whole of season 2 only not really any spoilers as such for any episode.  
  
Pairings: Sam/Ainsley with a dash of Josh and Donna.  
  
Summary: A bit like a cup of Warm and fluffy Cappuccino to begin with but who knows by the end!  
  
Archive:Definitely...just let me know.  
  
Feedback: Definitely, consumed and really appreciated as ever. Be it positive or not..I can take it :) Just email to tonibuffs@aol.com and thanks ever so for reading!  
Finally as ever, a massive thankyou to Charlotte for her amazing, generous  
  
and honest beta. Also a big big thankyou to Grace too for her encouragement  
  
and feedback. You're both the best. It's thanks to you that a rough looking  
  
fic ends up looking not too bad. THANKYOU!  
---------------  
She had been sitting in exactly the same position for the last three hours. She knew if she stood up, she would fall down from the cramps in her feet and the unreal feeling in the pit of her stomach. She couldn't begin to comprehend yet how she had to come this place. It was too soon. For now she wanted to think back to clearer and happier times.  
---  
She and Sam had been together for six months now. They were good together, despite the ups and downs in their fledgling relationship as a result of the highly competitive environment they'd built it in. The good times definitely outweighed the bad, though, and the old feelings of loneliness and inadequacy had long since disappeared.  
The reaction from Sam's friends - now hers too, - had been a revelation to her, although Sam hadn't seemed surprised. Toby was caught off guard and a little bemused but the approving nods and half smiles he gave her from time to time told more than a thousand words could.  
CJ had given her beloved Spanky a hug and told him not to screw up this time, to forget being the sweet gentleman he was apparently so determined to be.  
  
Josh made a wisecrack and had smiled warmly at her, before looking wistfully ut of the door of his office. To what, Ainsley wasn't sure, but she suspected he wasn't waiting for the budget forecast to come and sweep him off his feet. Leo seemed simply relieved that Sam had finally found a stable relationship that would not create problems or bad publicity for their party.  
They'd tried to keep a professional distance at work, but the longing to see each other led to Sam finding all sorts of reasons why he needed legal advice relating to the latest speech he and Toby had just composed. The first place Bonnie and Ginger ever phoned if they couldn't find Sam was the steampipe trunk distribution venue, with good reason.  
  
So far, though, they hadn't done anything more outrageous than lightly touch each other and once their lips had brushed against each others. For them both, just being in each other's company was good enough and she loved the way he always thought of her. The time that sprang to mind most was when she'd been working late and he'd brought up a doughnut, a chocolate chip muffin and had gone to the store three blocks away just to get her favourite can of Fresca. The smallest gesture but it showed how much he thought of her.  
They could talk for hours, and frequently did, spending the whole night together and arriving in the West Wing the next morning utterly exhausted. Yet somehow, the only thing it took to make her feel energised once more was a simply funny email or a glimpse of his face. They covered everything in those long, late night sessions, with one exception. Sam couln't bring himself to talk about Lisa. Ainsley knew he'd eventually be able to tell her about it, but she could wait until he was ready. Her own relationships were recounted quickly, in little depth. They just didn't seem that important, now. She felt differently about Sam.  
---  
A clatter from nearby disturbed her from her thoughts and once again she looked around her at the other people in the room. No-one looked at each other, people instead staring down at their feet. she supposed that was the way these places made you feel. Cold, alone and not of this earth. She looked out through the window and began to think of just 14 days earlier which  
  
seemed like a lifetime ago.  
---  
She'd taken Sam to North Carolina to visit her family. Sam had spent the entire journey talking constantly, even more than she ever could. If only she'd taken a dictaphone she'd have been able to make sure that Sam would never again mimic her incessant chatter. It was obvious he was nervous as a kitten being chased by a dog being chased by the biggest prairie wolf in the land of hoolalia's. She'd tried to reassure him he wouldn't be eaten alive by her parents, pointing out they were a Republican family who could tell who was right for their baby, and he would be it. But she couldn't ignore the churning feeling in her stomach, and instead of being comforting, everything she said came out as gibberish.  
The evening had started off badly when the car Sam had hired, but hadn't quite mastered yet, collided loudly with a disgusting yet precious plant holder her mom had put in the driveway. As she prayed that her mother wouldn't hear, Ainsley saw her look out of the window and come rushing from the house, completely ignoring her daughter and the young man with her to instead fall to her knees, sniffling loudly whilst picking up the shattered pieces of the plant pot. As Sam hurriedly bent down to help her, the ever melodramatic Grace Hayes picked up the two largest pieces of her broken plant holder and shuffled - she never ran, it wasn't quite the way of a woman of her time - into the house, sniffling even more loudly now.  
Sam looked at Ainsley with a look in his eyes that clearly signalled his best plan now would be to get straight back into the car and drive back home as quickly as possible. She smiled confidently and encouragingly at him and moved towards her father who until now had been quiet and seemingly brewing  
  
for another Billy Hayes tantrum. Instead, as she moved towards him she saw him shaking with something that looked like laughter. He moved straight past her, reaching out a hand to slap Sam on the back and invited him into the house. Completely ignoring his precious daughter, he confessed conspiratorially that he'd tried to 'accidentally' collide with the damn thing for the last twenty years.  
Two hours later, after Billy had calmed Grace down and she'd come downstairs to share the meal they had prepared, Ainsley looked around her and pronounced to herself how happy she was with the way the evening had gone. On one occasion the subject had moved onto politics and there had been a slight flash in both men's eyes, but Grace swiftly moved the onto safer territory. Sam's easy manners and obvious love for their daughter had seemingly won them over and as Ainsley was about to leave her father had whispered in her ear that he would do 'for one of them'. Praise indeed, she thought with a smile, and she was delighted.  
  
Her mother's face had glowed, and she could see her mother already thinking of her only daughter walking down the aisle of the grandest church in North Carolina or even at the most stately cathedral in Washington. That was for another day and another conversation. For now she was ecstatic. But the thrills weren't over...  
---  
Still the noise goes around around her, still she sits in the same place now absent mindedly fingering a styrofoam cup of cold coffee someone has handed her. Distantly she can hear her stomach complaining of a hunger long since forgotten as she thinks back to the days in New York.  
---  
It had been a total surprise, she remembered. She had fallen asleep while Sam took his turn driving, and was still half asleep when she realised Sam had turned off at the New Jersey Turnpike and they were heading for the bright, exciting lights of Manhattan. She had looked over at Sam with an expression of incredulity and delight. She'd been to New York only twice before. Once, with a friend when she had been 17, and had spent the entire holiday in clothes shops and staring at all the beautiful people walking by.  
  
The second time had been spent at an interview for a job she knew she would never get and wasn't sure she really wanted, and she'd spent 4 hours in New York.  
  
This time with Sam was so different, she saw the romance and splendour of this great city.  
For three days, they walked block after block and saw every site imaginable.They stood at the top of the Empire State Building at night with Sam hugging her, keeping her warm in the cold. They took an open top bus tour and ate at delis on street corners, visited the Bronx zoo where she playfully compared Sam to the big scary bear and went on to compare every other staffer with one animal or another. Sam knew he would never look Babish in the eye ever again after Ainsley pointed out the striking resemblance to a sloth, and then they went rollerblading in Central Park. It had been the most incredible time of her life and she could hardly believe the change in herself or the energy, confidence and happiness Sam filled her with.  
Sam had, after Ainsley repeatedly pointed out the obvious signs, begun to see that the sparks that flew between Josh and Donna were based on an underlying desire for one another that only people who had been in that same position could actually appreciate. So, being Sam, he furiously began planning a way of bringing them together. This was a side of Sam that Ainsley adored, the fact that if he was happy, he had a childlike desire to ensure everyone else was too. It was she knew one of the reasons he was so good at his job, his idealism, even though now tainted, was still a beacon of light.  
Sam planned that on the usual night at the bar the following week, he would say that he and Ainsley had plans with another couple at a nearby restaurant and so they would have to cut the night short, the 'friends' would then cancel on them and rather than cancel the meal that they had been looking forward to so much, would anyone else want to go. Josh instantly agreed, as Sam knew he would, as did CJ. Ainsley caught a flash in Donna's eyes at that point and announced in a way that only Ainsley could that she felt it only fair that Josh pay for Donna to go for a meal as any halfway average boss would. Donna's face changed from its natural alabaster shade to one of bright pink and Josh half laughed before saying in all seriousness that it would be his pleasure to take her out.  
  
CJ, who had been about to protest, saw the look that passed between Donna and Josh and, after glancing briefly at Ainsley, clamped her mouth firmly shut.  
The meal, and the night, had been a glorious success no doubt improved by all their earlier drinks. They laughed about Josh's greatest moments - his words, not Donna's, or anyone's on that table for that matter - and remembered the days before the campaign trail and before any of them knew what a man called Josiah Bartlet would come to mean to them. They laughed at Ainsley's obsession with food which had reached a climax with her request for a double chocolate and vanilla muffin topped with hazelnuts, whipped real cream and strawberries as a side, and then asking for another look at the dessert menu.  
They had left the restaurant at around 1am, laughing lightly as they walked along the sidewalks, all four of them arm in arm like school friends walking across a playing field. They hadn't noticed anyone around them; the four of them felt they were the only people in DC at that moment and they couldn't have been happier. The man had come up to them and muttered something completely incomprehensible at which Josh had joked that he couldn't quite believe that there was anyone quite so drunk as them that night and he told the guy to go take a happy pill.  
The man followed them down the sidewalk, shouting obscenities loudly. They ignored him, and still laughing they carried on walking, until the man was right next to them again, shouting in their faces. Ainsley and Donna moved back, involuntarily blinking at the smell of the man's breath and looking at the bottle he barely held onto in his hand. He stood in front of Josh, and halfheartedly demanded money, but Josh stepped around him. A mixture of the alcohol, carelessness and a cracked paving stone caused him to stumble against him. The man tripped and fell, smashing the bottle on the ground.  
  
Sam turned, bending down to pick the man up, ever the gentleman. Ainsley heard a slight gasp and turned round as she realised the sound came from Sam but as he and the man stood up, the man grumbled and shuffled away. Sam moved towards her, and everything seemed fine. Sam took two more steps and stopped, looking slightly uncomfortable, Josh muttered about drunkards and laughed, linking his arm companionably with Donna, and shouting for Ainsley and Sam to hurry as he had a couple of bottles at home for them to drink.  
Ainsley turned round to reach for Sam, to see him stumble slightly and his gait shift from being stable to him falling toward the sidewalk. An alarm set off in her head and the panic began before she had even leaned down to Sam's level on the ground. She called his name gently and got no response. She said it again more loudly and more forcefully, turning his face towards her. She could see in his eyes that tears were appearing and his face had a clammy, cold feel as though he was in shock.  
As she asked him what was wrong and he didn't reply she desperately tried to remember the basics of her first aid training and gently explored up and down his body for any signs of injury. Initially there was nothing, and as she began to say to Sam that he'd better stop acting and he sure as doughnuts  
  
would pay for drinking so much, Donna and Josh realised there was no longer the sound of footsteps behind them and turned round. They moved slowly, but then faster at the look of concern on Ainsley's face. As they reached them, Josh relaxed on hearing Ainsley chastise Sam for his drunken behaviour, thinking how he would make Sam suffer the next morning. He wasn't the only who couldn't take his drink.  
Sam still hadn't said a word and half lay, half sat on the sidewalk staring with seemingly great intent at the road markings. Ainsley failed to lift Sam up from the ground by herself, Donna and Josh swiftly moving to pick him up, Josh from behind, Donna and Ainsley with one arm each. Josh felt something catch his finger, something sharp, something that instantly drew blood. He looked in confusion at his finger, wondering where it could have come from. He went cold as he saw Sam stumble into Ainsley, knocking them over on the  
  
sidewalk. He heard himself shouting at Donna to call 911 immediately, moving hurriedly to Sam's side.  
Carefully removing Sam's overcoat, Josh instinctively recoiled from Sam's side as he saw the jagged edge of a large piece of glass in the side of this man, his closest friend. Without thinking, he moved to fold the coat to use as a pillow and put under his now unconscious friend's head. He could hear  
  
Ainsley's voice from far away, calling Sam to wake up. Her voice broke with tears as she begged him to hold on til the medics arrived. Josh felt Donna's hand on his shoulder, and felt the strength it somehow gave him.  
---  
She blinked and started as the door opened, looking up expectantly for the person who had come into the room. She saw it was Leo coming back into the room with a coffee and an expression so sad, beaten and tired. She looked around the room at the other people, at Toby staring dully, seemingly emotionless, into space and at CJ, eyes redrimmed with tears and no doubt tiredness.  
  
She looked at Donna who had rested her head on Josh's shoulder while Josh fidgeted and occasionally muttered something only he could hear and understand. Every time they heard an unfamiliar noise they all seemed to start, and then look back at the floor intently, as though it told them the reasons for all the things that had happened to them and they asked; why this? Why did this have to happen now?  
---  
She heard the sound of running footsteps moments before she looked up again and tried to smile as she saw the familiar face of Ron Butterfield moving into the small room with authority. She tried to stand as she heard the President talk quietly and step into the room with his wife, Dr Bartlet. She forgot momentarily about the cramps but as soon as she stood she felt herself sway before a pair of strong hands grabbed her waist and supported her. She heard Leo whisper something supportive in her ear and told herself to remember to thank him later. Somehow even the sight of the most powerful man in the country could not ease her trembling and increasing sense of panic.  
As the President moved towards Leo and shook hands, Dr Bartlet smiled gently, reassuringly to Josh as she lightly touched his hand before approaching Ainsley. She heard the First Lady say to them all that she would go and enquire about Sam. Another set of purposeful footsteps reached the doorway and Ainsley gasped involuntarily as she saw the face of the two surgeons who had spent the last 5 hours working on the man that she, and all of the people gathered about her, cared about so deeply. Her heart missed several beats as she waited for them to speak.  
The older surgeon spoke first in a calm yet sad voice. 'May we speak with Mr Seaborn's next of kin please?'  
She heard the almost alien sounding cry of terror and pain long before she realised it came from her and just as she crumbled to the ground.  
TO BE CONTINUED............ 


	4. Time

Author: Toni Harrison Email address:tonibuffs@aol.com Title: Time (part 4 in Ainsley/Sam series)  
  
Characters: Ainsley/Sam Category: Drama Pairing: Ainsley/Sam mainly with a touch of Josh/Donna Rating: PG  
  
Spoilers: Season 2 and beyond though not really any spoilers as such for eps.  
  
Summary: Waiting  
  
Authors notes: It was a complete labour of love doing this fic. Have had so many ideas with it and also tis the first time I've ever used speech in a fic of any kind so would love feedback as to whether I should go straight back to the drawing board or even back to school for some English lessons! Any feedback gratefully received be it good or bad...Oh and sorry about the title, am officially the worst person at thinking up titles in the whole universe!  
  
Thankyous: Got so many people to thank firstly as ever to Charlotte for the fantastic beta. You never fail to encourage me and any amendments you suggest are always so right and worthwhile. I probably don't thank you enough but THANKYOU! And thanks for nagging me to continue!  
  
Also thanks to Kay, Melanie,Star and Beth for the praise and encouragement to keep going as well and a big thanks too to Grace for doing exactly the same. Thanks to everyone who not only sent me medical information and links but lots of feedback and encouragement too. Particularly Eeyore, Dani, Christina, Lisa and in particular Fiona who answered every irritating question I asked without ever complaining. I hope I do your advice a bit of justice! Sorry for gibbering on! If I've forgotten anyone I'm sorry! Right on with the fic! :)  
  
***************  
  
Ever since she was a kid she'd had a fear of fainting in a crowded room. She guessed it stemmed from a musical concert held at her school. Just prior to her singing a solo of 'Tomorrow' from Annie, a moment her mom had built up for weeks and invited all her relatives to see, she'd begun to feel light headed. Suddenly the combination of nerves, lack of food and then seeing Mr Kroner from Drama class happily munching on a chocolate doughnut led to her fainting. But it wasn't just the normal delicate fainting you saw in the movies. No, this involved falling to the side, colliding with a songsheet stand and showing her panties to the whole of the choir and her audience. She swore to this day that she heard just before her consciousness faded her mom shout out, 'No, not tonight, not in front of Aunt Jessica'. Not for nothing was her full name at school from that day on Flower Pants.  
  
So when she regained consciousness on the waiting room floor that early morning, the first person she expected to see was Miss Rogers the pianist. She had to blink and shake herself to recognise the concerned faces looking at her now. As she picked herself up off the floor, ignoring the protests of Leo and Dr Bartlet, she remembered why she had fainted in the first place and turned with trepidation to see the faces of the two surgeons who were now nowhere to be seen. Perhaps this had all been a bad dream after all.  
  
She moved to sit in the nearest chair, glancing in confusion at Leo as he reached for her hand and squeezed it gently, searching for all the faces that had been here before. On looking around the room she noticed quickly that the First Lady, The President and Josh were no longer in the room. Toby, Donna and CJ were but were all looking nervously towards the door. Evidently it hadn't been a dream there was still that same tense feeling she'd remembered from however long it had been since before she fainted.  
  
The door opened at that moment and Dr Bartlet walked in, her expression grim. Ainsley would probably never remember the exact words the First Lady had uttered at that moment, she was sure that in her subconscious they all registered but all she heard was 'Unconscious' 'Lost a lot of blood' and then something about 'needing to remove his spleen' At this point though, she had shut herself down and pulling away from Leo's hand and, picking herself up unsteadily from her chair, she left the room and made for the nearest exit and some precious fresh air.  
  
She had been surprised when it was Toby who had followed her outside. From somewhere he pulled a cigarette and offered it to her; she shook her head vehemently and stared at her feet. The silence had lingered for a few minutes until Toby started talking.  
  
''Abbey says he should make a full recovery.''  
  
He looked across at her, his hands moving as his pacing grew ever more tense and worrisome.  
  
He indicated a bench near the entrance and moved across to it with her. It was a cold morning, dawn was sure to be breaking soon but the frost on the ground only added slightly to her shivers and feeling of cold.  
  
'What exactly did she say, Toby? Only you may have noticed I pretty much clocked out at that moment then ran away the first chance I could. Don't be kind just to humour me.' Toby caught her eye and saw the look of hope on her pale face, and the eyes that looked so tired.  
  
'They had to remove his spleen, Ainsley.' He cursed himself at that moment for his lack of tact, and he moved closer to her. She could tell he was uncomfortable in this unfamiliar role, trying to be comforting as he hesitantly took her hand in his own. 'Dr Bartlet says he'll be okay within a few days. Before you know it, he'll up and about, annoying the crap out of me.'  
  
He was gratified and relieved to see Ainsley smile for the first time that evening and permitted himself a half smile.  
  
'Thanks Toby. Hey, you know I may just have to find a way to slip this into conversation with Sam, that you came to console me and that he drove you back to cigarettes again.'  
  
'Yeh? Just try it and I will find a way to get the story of who the hell Aunt Jessica is and what hidden secrets are lurking in your closet. Wanna go inside?'  
  
She nodded and they both went back into the hospital feeling more hopeful than they ever thought that they had a right to be a little more than twenty minutes ago.  
  
As they went back inside, the First Lady was there to greet them surrounded by her agents with her coat evidently ready to go back to the White House, this reassurred Ainsley in a way she couldn't begin to explain.  
  
This time she listened intently as Abbey Bartlet explained the treatment and the injuries Sam had sustained that night. The broken glass had been used to almost deadly effect. Thrust into his upper left side,it had hit Sam's spleen. The bleeding that had initially seemed so slight had, as Sam lay on the sidewalk, increased to a terrifying degree. It was an image Ainsley knew she would struggle to get out of her mind. She remembered when Sam had told her his feelings of Josh bleeding when he had been shot at Rosslyn. She now knew only too well the horror and helplessness you felt at times like that.  
  
Abby told her how Sam had required blood transfusions and that initially the biggest concern had been to stop the bleeding. He'd been taken almost immediately into the OR where a decision had been made pretty fast to remove his spleen. The thought of removal of any part of Sam's body initially filled Ainsley with horror, a sign that Abbey recognised and she'd moved to reassure her immediately. Sam had been in recovery being monitored closely for almost an hour and a half but was now in a private room. He was still under constant watch but they were allowing a few visitors.  
  
For the first time in almost 7 hours, Ainsley felt a pang of relief and looked around her. Everyone still looked so tired but the faces were less strained now and as she glanced at Toby, his expression was one of relief and the smile more ready and genuine than she had ever seen from him.  
  
'Do you think I could go see Sam?' Ainsley asked. 'It's just I don't think I'll believe he's really there until I see him for myself'  
  
Dr Bartlet smiled gently. 'Well, I'm not his physician Ainsley but I could go talk with Dr Neulander now and see if that's okay. I can't see any objection. I dare say Sam won't be too wide awake though.' She walked away purposefully and Ainsley felt glad she was with them at that moment.  
  
'You feel like a coffee, Ainsley' Ainsley smiled at Donna.  
  
'No, thank you, Donna...You look beat and and as for Josh, I've seen him look better before...why don't you go home? I'll call as soon as I've seen Sam'  
  
'And keep Josh away from seeing Sam? You've gotta be kidding. Josh may be a Harvard scholar, but when it comes to something like this, he's a big kid. Do you really think it'd be fair to let me go home when all he'll do is whine all night about me taking him? I already got my head bitten off twice tonight when I brought him two coffees, he called me the queen harbinger of doom and said I was tempting fate'  
  
Ainsley smiled sympathetically and was about to reply when Dr Bartlet came down the corridor smiling broadly.  
  
'Well, not only can you go in and see him right now, but if you're lucky he may even put on a little show for you and open his eyes. He has a tube in his stomach to give it chance to recover and one in his nose to help him breath,' she explained. 'It'll look scary but don't worry, okay?' She looked around at everyone in the room then continued, 'Apparently they're astonished at how well he's recovering, he'll be weak for a few days but just as long as he takes it easy and as long as he doesn't get any post- operative complications, he could be home within a week, I'd say that all things considered it's been a pretty good end to a lousy night.'  
  
Ainsley heard the murmurs of delight and watched as CJ hugged Toby and Josh kissed a surprised but not unwilling Donna on the lips. Leo looked relieved and smiled broadly for the first time in hours.  
  
'Ainsley, are you alright honey?' The first lady asked gently and took her in her arms as she sobbed quietly. 'A little too many emotions I guess, right? I would've thought a day spent in the White House would've been enough to get you prepped for this, hmm'  
  
'Well, I don't know about any of you guys but I have a husband who gets a little impatient about being kept out of any loop at the best of times so I'm gonna head back to the White House'  
  
'I actually think Sam'll be fine you know as long as you all leave him alone to get well and without any interruptions....Toby!' She smiled pointedly at Toby who put his hands in his pockets looked down but then smirked.  
  
'Ma'am, I really have no idea what you're talking about'  
  
'Okay. I'm going now' With a smile at all in the room, Abbey Bartlet and her agents left the room and the hospital.  
  
*****************  
  
Ainsley looked around her and smiled at across at Josh  
  
'Hey Josh, what do you say to me and you going to see Sam now in that cute little hospital gown?'  
  
Josh almost leapt from his chair and his expression changed from one of pensiveness to that of a child having been told Santa was his father.  
  
'Y'sure? You don't wanna see him yourself in private for a little while?'  
  
'Josh, I think Sam and I will be having lots of private time for the next few weeks, c'mon'  
  
Donna looked across at Ainsley a relieved expression on her face and smiled gratefully.  
  
**************************  
  
The room was quiet and apart from the interruptions from the nurses every now and again who would come in every few moments to check he was doing well. Ainsley and Josh had been in Sam's room for five minutes now. Ainsley had initially been nervous, afraid even to go in there, frightened of what she may find.  
  
She had been glad that Abbey had told her what to expect, sure Sam looked a little weird and his face was as pale as the bed sheet that covered his body but the tubes weren't as scary as she had thought and as she watched Sam breathe, she remembered to thank her lucky stars.  
  
Not a word had been said by Ainsley and Josh while they sat by Sam's bedside, they were lost in thoughts of their own.  
  
Josh remembering days gone by and praying silently that Sam wouldn't be added to the list of loved ones lost, he admonished himself almost at once and to distract himself looked across at Ainsley, smiling at the look of love showing all over her face as she gazed at Sam. His thoughts strayed to Donna. Last night was the happiest he had been in a long time. The night out had been everything and more to him, he'd looked across at Donna several times during the evening, marvelling at her beauty. He'd always recognised that she was pretty, but last night she was simply stunning. Joey had been right all along, there was far more to them than a boss/assistant relationship and on this morning and right when he had needed someone most, she had been there throughout it all, as he glanced once more at his best friend and at Ainsley, he vowed never to take her for granted again.  
  
'Listen Ainsley, would you be okay if I take Donna back to her apartment to get changed? Much as I hate to say it, it won't be long til Leo gets itchy feet and I gotta meet with the senate leadership later, I have to take a shower too and besides, I guess you'd be happier on your own and all, kiss him on the cheek and he'll be like the sleeping beauty awakened, right? And now I can see you're almost asleep and I'm rambling again, aren't I?'  
  
'Josh, go, I'll be fine on my own and I'm not gonna be lonely here' Her face softened and finally some vulnerability showed. 'You'll stop by later though right?'  
  
'Sure thing, you don't mind if Donna comes too?' He said almost as an afterthought absentmindedly stroking his hair and looking anywhere other than at Ainsley.  
  
'You know, it's okay to admit to liking your assistant, Josh. Last night was the beginning of something good for you and Donna, and I know Sam'll never forgive you, if you screw this up, and neither will I. Now, go take Donna home and then get back to running the country okay?'  
  
'Point taken, ma'am,' he said with a smile. 'I really don't think there's actually one woman in the White House who hasn't lectured me by now so I'm gonna go now before the nurses start, 'kay?, You take care of yourself and you'll phone the minute Sam wakes up right?'  
  
She nodded and smiled as Josh opened the door and left the room. Sighing deeply, she continued staring at the door.  
  
'I actually thought he was never gonna leave'  
  
Ainsley shook her head, she recognised that voice but couldn't figure out where it came from.  
  
'Over here' said the voice again.  
  
This time there was no mistaking that voice she knew so well, despite its quietness and the evident weakness there.  
  
'Sam, you're awake'  
  
'Hey babe, now I know why they made you associate counsel with intuition like that.' He tried to smile but instead swallowed painfully and shut his eyes once more.  
  
'Sam, Sam, open your eyes' Anxiously she called to him, squeezing his hand.  
  
' m'okay, just tired and my throat feels like I never had a drink. Why do I feel like someone reached in and pulled out half my stomach?'  
  
'Could be because someone pretty much did that.' She turned around ready to press the call sign over Sam's bed but a squeeze of her hand stopped her.  
  
'I love you Ains' he murmured quietly and gently.  
  
Ainsley leant over towards Sam and placed a gentle kiss on his mouth and stroked his hair. 'Same here.'  
  
She had then called the nurse who in turn called Dr Neulander. He pronounced himself happy with his patient's progress so far. Not wishing to tire Sam out too much, he instead called Ainsley outside. He explained the scenario for the next few days to her. Sam, he thought, would be okay. The tube would remain in his stomach for a couple of days and then all being well would be removed and Sam could start to eat again, a conservative estimate being that'd he be okay to go home within a week.  
  
As the news sank in and the realisation that Sam was going to make it, Ainsley felt every moment of the last 14 hours come back to her. She felt lightheaded once again and as Dr Neulander carried on talking, she began to sway. Seeing this, he gently led her to the small waiting room nearby calling the nurse nearby to come into the room. As she sat down and murmured her thanks, the shivering began from nowhere and she began to sob first quietly then followed quickly by huge racking sobs as she began to rock back and forth.  
  
The nurse moved without hesitation to the chair next to Ainsley and pulled her into her arms, assuring her that everything would be okay. Ainsley couldn't understand her own reaction. She'd just been told Sam would be fine, why was she acting like this. Shock, that must be it. Her tears gradually began to subside and as she pulled away from the nurse's embrace, she took a deep breath and relaxed into her chair. She suddenly felt exhausted and though she had a longing to go back and see Sam, as she curled into the chair she felt her eyelids struggle to stay open and gradually succumbed to a welcoming and finally troublefree sleep.  
  
***************  
  
Over the next two days, Sam's progress had surprised even Dr Neulander. He had quickly shed the tube in his stomach and was able to breathe without oxygen. He still seemed tired quickly but when Ainsley had come into his room eating the remainder of a chocolate muffin, his eyes had narrowed jealously and his stare was fixed on the crumbs around her mouth. When he had pulled her close to him for a kiss, she was sure she felt his tongue not just caress her neck and lips but the side of her mouth where a remnant of muffin had remained.  
  
Sam had received a steady flow of visitors, it had seemed the previous night as though the entire senior staff had descended on room J226 and the arrangements that decorated his room would have shamed any florist. His spirits had lifted with every visitor that arrived and when he'd received a telephone call from the President, the smile it brought to his face was a joy to behold.  
  
She had spent little more than 12 hours away from the hospital since Sam had been admitted and felt so very tired. Even when Sam had been asleep, she would sit by his bed-side and her journal more than ever had been her sanctuary. As she wrote, she realised that she would probably never read them again. Every innermost feeling was in there, the terror, the panic, the anger, the quiet but very definite relief. Every emotion written down in black and white. Maybe this diary was her Stanley; she had always prided herself on her ability to stay calm in any situation and from the hours she had spent whilst Sam was sleeping so restlessly and whilst he shouted out in his sleep she knew that every ounce of strength would be needed for the days, months and perhaps even years ahead.  
  
The following morning, as she arrived at the hospital from home feeling renewed and as fresh as the cold bright day in Washington, her thoughts were full of nothing but optimism. Sam had firmly but gently insisted that she spend some time at her apartment and away from here, reasoning that when he got home, he'd need more support and help than she could probably give him right now. She had at first argued against it, something inside telling her not to leave but she put it down to her overdeveloped mind and watching too much soap opera, and grudgingly left. She promised to bring back some cds and books but firmly drew the line at his laptop.  
  
As she got in the elevator and smiled to herself as she thought of the night before which she had spent quietly with Donna and Josh, relaxing and enjoying their company and liking what she saw with the progress of this relationship. The way Josh stroked Donna' shoulder and the way she snuggled into the nook of his knee as she sat on the floor in front of him had shown that however hard these last few days had been, so much good had appeared to come from it.  
  
As she got out of the elevator, she went first to the nurses station to sign in again as Sam's visitor. As she grinned at Nurse Gonzalez and waved the bag of cinnamon bagels she had in her hand, she was slightly surprised when Erica didn't smile but instead signalled for her to stay right there and then gestured to someone or something behind her..  
  
Unease grew suddenly inside her as she turned around, her panic rising when she saw Dr Neulander stood there with a grim expression on his face.  
  
She heard her voice from a long way away and almost had to repeat herself to make her believe she had just spoken.  
  
'What's happened?'  
TO BE CONTINUED IN PART 5 TO FOLLOW SOON 


	5. Runaway

Author: Toni Harrison Email address: tonibuffs@aol.com Title: Runaway (Part 5 in series of 6) Characters: Ainsley/Sam & Josh Category: Drama/Romance Pairing: Ainsley/Sam Rating: PG  
  
Summary: Running away from the fear  
  
Authors notes: Feedback as ever would be greatly appreciated as to whether the speech goes well with the story and basically to whether this stinks or not!  
  
Thankyous: Again a big thanks to Charlotte for her beta. Never has she been so over-worked by me than over the last few days. I really really appreciate it. And thanks for pointing out that I did need an extra paragraph. THANKYOU.  
  
********************  
  
She hadn't known what to think or do after Dr Neulander left her. Her hands frantically searched her purse for her cellphone; as she lifted it to dial she threw it against the wall in a moment of blind panic and frustration. She fell to the floor to pick up the remnants of her purse, trying not to cry. Her willpower didn't save her this time.  
  
The sound that came from nowhere was quiet to begin but then increased to a inhumane sound, almost a wail, though that was too frail a word for the noise that passed from her lips. As she felt someones arms surround her, she fought to resist the urge to beat and punch all her heartache and anger out at them.  
  
Neulander said that Sam had become ill overnight. He'd been sick for a couple of hours and then complained of a high temperature. As his condition grew worse through the night they gave him IV antibiotics but he was now unconscious again. She remembered being told Sam would get better, but that it would take time. How could she believe him now, when he had told her the same thing just three days ago? She was going to be alone again. She'd been betrayed once before but had thought those days behind her now she'd learnt to trust again and this was how she'd been rewarded.  
  
She tore herself away from Erica Gonzalez and ran from the room and towards the stairs. She didn't want to be consoled, she didn't want someone to tell her everything would be okay. They couldn't possibly know.  
  
*************  
  
Can't you drive any faster, CJ? Come on' CJ Cregg glanced irritably across at Joshua Lyman.  
  
'Josh, I'm driving as fast as I can for chrissakes, and you sitting there whining and complaining won't get me there any faster you know'  
  
Josh had been in the middle of a meeting with three democratic senators when Donna had appeared at the door, waving her hands frantically to attract his attention. He had excused himself from the meeting and gone immediately to Donna, his stomach fighting against a nervousness he couldn't fathom.  
  
Donna had explained that a phone call had been received from the hospital saying that Sam's condition had taken a turn for the worse though the hope was that this was a temporary setback. As Josh ran his hands through his hair and gripped the door handle next to him in an effort to stay on his feet, Donna took his hand and led him to a room nearby. Holding him in her arms she stroked his hair and told him again and again of Erica Gonzales' assurances of Sam's recovery. For now though Donna had other news, this time of Ainsley.  
  
'Sorry CJ, I guess I just wanna be there now y'know. Bad enough that Sam gets a setback but then for Ainsley to disappear. If Sam DOES wake up whaddaya think that'll do to him'  
  
Looking across at Josh, CJ for one moment remembered the last few days and the stress of them. It had seemed that perhaps this would be thing they would all recover from relatively easily. She should have known better. The days that were straightforward had diminished from almost the first day in The White House.  
  
Words didn't seem to able to convey her full feelings at the time, besides she couldn't trust herself to talk at the moment, she removed one hand from the steering well and firmly squeezed his hand. The half smiles on their faces said it all.  
  
Ten minutes later, as they sat in the same waiting room Ainsley had been led to just three hours earlier, they listened as Dr Neulander told them the facts. Sam had suffered a minor relapse not unexpected in patients having had the surgery he'd gone through. He had a high temperature sure and he was for the moment unconscious but he was been given antibiotics and his condition seemd to be getting better all the time.  
  
As CJ telephoned the White House to let them have the latest news and to find out if Ainsley had called in or been found, Josh moved out of the waiting room and to the window of Sam's room. Looking at his friend being cared for by the nurses, he prayed silently as never before that his best friend would make it. He thought back to the days following Rosslyn, having a feeling now for the concern and helplessness his friends must have felt at that time.  
  
He remembered back to the day his father had died and the loss and fear he'd felt that day, the shock of losing your father something he never thought could be eclipsed and even though he felt the truth and the certainty in Neulander's promise that Sam would survive. He had come close too to running out of that door too.  
  
'You can go in there, Mr Lyman, that's if you want to' Erica Gonzalez smiled at the young man next to her.  
  
'I don't think it'll be too long til he wakes up, and he's gonna be asking questions pretty soon about where Ainsley is. I figure you and Ms Cregg are gonna need to be there for him'  
  
Sighing, Josh nodded. 'Yeh, Ainsley didn't happen to say anything before she left, did she?'  
  
'Nope....she just flew outta here so fast, she damn near took the doors off their hinges. I've seen some scared people before in my time and she was top of the list. Give her some time and I'm sure she'll show. I know they say it's better to have people with you at times like this but I reckon that girl needed some peace and some time to reflect' pausing, she turned Josh around to face her. 'I'd say that she's not the only person that needs to talk though, hmm?'  
  
'You said we could go on in and see him right?' Deftly ignoring her last comment, Josh moved to open Sam's door. 'CJ' he shouted as he went through the door.  
  
Finishing her conversation with Toby, CJ nodded following Josh quickly through the door moments later.  
  
'Go right ahead then' Shaking her head at Josh, Erica moved back to the nurses station.  
  
It was about an hour and a half later, as the search for Ainsley continued fruitlessly that as Josh and CJ talked quietly, a gentle tapping distracted them and on looking towards the door and seeing no sign of life from there, they both turned to the bed and the pale but smiling face of Sam Seaborn.  
  
'Hey guys'  
  
'Sam, welcome back.' CJ reached across to the bed.  
  
'Hey buddy, the things some people'll do to get out of writing speeches for the Presidents address of the winning teams of the womens softball series' Josh joked.  
  
'Nice to see you too, Josh' Swallowing hard he spoke again 'Any chance you think I could get a glass of water?'  
  
Getting up out of his seat, Josh moved towards the door to get a nurse and some water.  
  
'Hey and not that it's not good to see you guys, but where's Ainsley?'  
  
His expression turned from one of mild puzzlement to a rising level of worry as he saw Josh look despairingly at CJ before mumbling something about getting some water and a nurse then disappearing out of the door.  
  
CJ continued staring after Josh cursing under her breath before turning back to look at Sam with what she hoped was a reassuring smile.  
  
'CJ....Will you please tell me where Ainsley is?'.  
  
*************  
  
She wasn't sure how long had passed and she didn't even remember returning to her office. As she stared into space and fingered the buttons on her coat, she didn't even know what was her in her head at that time...oblivion probably.  
  
A cough shook her from her thoughts.  
  
'I know I've got the top guys on my side, Ainsley but really, if you were looking for a place to hide you should have used that blonde republican brain of yours a little better you know'  
  
She recognised that voice, oh god no it couldn't be, she sprang up from her chair.  
  
'Sir, I mean Mr President, I mean, oh gosh please forgive me' She looked down at herself and realised the sight she must have presented.  
  
'Hey, calm down, we're not even gonna go down the old route. You know Ainsley, when I got back up there Abbey'll be all "I told you I should have gone down and talked to her instead of you". Would you believe my wife actually thinks I'm incapable of talking to women, or being a good person for people to talk to. Well, I'm here to prove her wrong, so do you mind if I sit down?'  
  
'Of course not, Sir. Can I get you something to drink, a coffee perhaps? I think I may even have a can of fresca here too'  
  
'No, thank you Ainsley. Being a father of three daughters, I've picked up a few things and one of those is when a woman is hiding what she's feeling, and unless I'm very much mistaken I am the president of the United States so I guess I get to lord it over you. Ainsley, what happened at the hospital? he spoke quietly now and stood up to move closer to Ainsley. 'Tell me, were you afraid?'  
  
'I just wanted some fresh air' she whispered quietly.  
  
'In the Steam Pipe Trunk Distribution Venue? Yeah, I can see that's a renowned and recognised area for fresh air, come on Ainsley, forget I'm the president for a moment, talk to me'  
  
' I just figured I'd better off here doing some good. My work's been piling up for the past four days, I can't even see my desk. If I don't get it done important systems fail, and I....' She refused to look at the President, knowing full well that the moment she looked into his eyes would be the moment she would break. 'Thank you for your concern Mr President but I really am fine and if you'll excuse me I have some work to do. Oliver Babish asked me to do this, sir, and I really need......'  
  
'Actually, Ainsley I know exactly how bad Oliver Babish can be when he has an itch to scratch but that's not why I'm here and I think you know it. Don't you even wanna know how Sam is?'  
  
Ainsley started at the mention of his name and put her head down again averting her eyes from anywhere where they could be seen.  
  
'Sir I really really am busy, and don't wish to be-'  
  
'Goddamit Ainsley, he's conscious and he's been asking for you for the last two hours. Josh and CJ have been at the hospital for several hours and I tell you something even the secret service are gonna have troubles keeping Sam down if I don't persuade to come with me right now'  
  
Ainsley shook her head.  
  
'He's unconscious, he has a wound infection and once again Sir, I don't have time to sit here and worry about something I have no control over and watch a man die in hospital when I didn't really love him in the first place' She almost shouted this time 'Now please just let me get on with my work'  
  
He moved towards the phone and picked it up.  
  
'Hey Charlie, call Josh would you?' He wasn't even looking at her now.  
  
'Josh, it's the Presi- oh, yeah, number recognition thing, yeah I'm with her now. Talk with her, would you, convince her although god only knows why she won't believe me'  
  
'Ainsley?' He pushed the handset towards her.  
  
She hesitantly reached her hand out for the phone, she didn't want to be fooled not again, she didn't want to wake up and this was all a dream.  
  
'H-hello Josh'  
  
She felt herself sway as she recognised the voice that came through the mouthpiece and found her chair. Her hands were shaking as she held the phone.  
  
'Sam?' It couldn't be, she almost put the phone down but something inside stopped her and as she spoke again, she was aware of tears falling down her cheeks this time though they were ones of hope, perhaps even joy.  
  
'Sam, you owe me three hundred chocolate muffins for the scare you put me through you bastard' The gentle and tired sounding laughter that she heard was the sweetest sound.  
  
Jed Bartlet smiled and even as Ainsley moved to get up, gestured for her to sit again and with Ron Butterfield made his way upstairs. Sometimes he enjoyed this job and, oh boy, how wrong Abbey had been about his counselling skills.  
***************  
  
Five days later  
  
'Thanks for bringing us home, Donna, you have a great weekend, and you too, Josh' Ainsley called from the door to the couple who had just left.  
  
Closing the door, she sighed contentedly. It felt good for them to be on their own again, she walked up the stairs to the room where Sam was sleeping. As she opened the door and gazed down at his face, still pale but so wonderful and real. It was so good to have his smell back in this home, albeit a smell tinged with hospital, she wouldn't care if he smelled of manure right now, she had everything she could ever wish for now.  
  
Oh, it wasn't all good news she knew. He'd recovered pretty quickly from this infection but the doctor had given warnings for the future. Losing a spleen had marked effects on a person's long term health; he'd have to take antibiotics every day for the rest of his life and she knew that whenever he developed a cold she'd be wanting to wrap him up in cotton wool. They hadn't spoken about it together but she felt that his sailing days may be over what with this track record of falling overboard. She knew Leo, Josh, CJ, Toby and all would probably be ecstatic about that, but Sam wouldn't. That news and any worries could wait for another day.  
  
She knelt by their bed and stroked his face, savouring the feel of his body, the feeling that she thought she would never experience again only days before.  
  
'Hey'  
  
'Hey there, did I wake you?'  
  
'Come sit by me' He held her hand as she clambered over the bed to snuggle into him.  
  
'It's been an eventful week or two wouldn't you say Miss Hayes?' He smiled mischievously at her.  
  
'Hmm...for us maybe, but for you I notice you were asleep and you seemed pretty disinterested in our side of the story for a little while, Mr Seaborn'  
  
'I was so scared Ains,' He wasn't looking at her now. He was staring past her and she felt his hand shake as she held it.  
  
'You told the psychiatrist you didn't remember a thing'  
  
'Yeah' He laughed without feeling. 'They're not very perceptive are they?  
  
'What DO you remember then?'  
  
'Everything, absolutely everything, from the moment the glass hit my stomach, the EMT's working on me and talking to me. I remember Josh and Donna holding onto one another. I remember in the Emergency Room, them asking me my name and what day it was and all that happened as I tried to speak was blood came from my mouth. I can still shut my eyes now and taste that blood. I remember waking up and hearing Josh talking as ever, I remember how scared I was when the infection set in and the delirious thoughts I was having.' He leaned towards her.  
  
'But the thing I recall, and will always remember, is you, holding my hand in the ambulance, and that you were there holding my hand when I woke up. The most terrifying moment of all was when I regained consciousness after the infection and I was calling for you and they couldn't tell me where you were' The tears were falling unbidden down his face as he turned to look at her.  
  
'You have to promise me something Ainsley, you'll never do that to me again'  
  
She looked at him unsure of what he was suggesting.  
  
'What exactly are you saying, Sam?'  
  
'I'm asking you to never leave me again Ains, I'm asking you to stay with me always' He reached inside his trouser pockets and pulled out a small box, sitting up slowly he moved his legs over the side of the bed and stood up shakily at first before sitting kneeling, gingerly at first, on the ground.  
  
'Ainsley Hayes, it's been a hell of a rollercoaster ride together and I know I'm democrat you're republican. You claim that HMS Pinafore is far superior to Pirates of Penzance, and from checking out your bookshelves on previous occasions, I've found you have a disturbing liking for Jackie Collins' books although I have to admit I'm a little tempted by what I've heard goes on in them...Ainsley, I've never done this before so I actually feel a little scared here so, okay it'll wait til later'. He nodded to himself and began to push himself up from his position on the floor.  
  
Before she had anytime to think further, Ainsley moved quickly off the bed and round to Sam's side of the room.  
  
'Whoa there, Sam, is it all possible I could talk for two seconds, I mean really...'  
  
'Well okay..go right ahead'  
  
She knelt on the floor taking Sam's hand in hers.  
  
'Samuel Norman Seaborn, please will you marry me?'  
  
They stared in silence at one another. Sam spoke first.  
  
'You know right there Ainsley, you asked me to marry you'  
  
'I really did, Sam' She looked at him expectantly.  
  
'What's the matter, Ains?' He grinned mischievously, 'Can I help you?'  
  
She leapt onto the bed beside him now, all worries about treating him gently disappeared and she reached over to pick up Great Expectations rare edition she'd bought for him only 6 months ago!.  
  
'You really like this book don't you Sam, I mean REALLY REALLY like it!'  
  
'You wouldn't dare, Flowerpants'  
  
'Okay now Sam, say goodbye to the book and just how did you know about the flowerpants'  
  
'Walls have ears or rather Donna has a tongue that wags. Anyway I can think of something better to do than you wreck my book and me call you names' All thoughts of any injuries now gone, Sam moved on top of Ainsley and kissed her gently first one the lips, moving his way down to her neck and beyond. He stopped suddenly, something was wrong, Ainsley looked at him questioningly and full of concern.  
  
'Hey Flower pants, the answer is Yes' 


	6. Eve

Author: Toni Harrison Email address: tonibuffs@aol.com Title: Eve (part 6 - final part in this Ainsley/Sam series)  
  
Character: Ainsley/Sam/Donna Category: Drama/Angst Pairing: Ainsley/Sam Rating: PG Summary: Time can be a healer  
  
Authors notes and thankyous: This time I was too impatient to post to wait for Charlotte to beta for me...Hope I've not let you down Charlotte. Thanks this time to Star for the very kind words and the wonderful encouragement.  
  
***********  
  
Well, it's been seven months, 3 days and okay I'm not so sad to sit and count hours and minutes except when we're apart and yeah I count the hours then til I get to embrace him again and feel his hands over mine, anyhow as I was saying it's been 7 months and 3 days since Sam was hurt.  
  
It's been an odd few months, firstly the whole recovery period for Sam was long and his journey back to work seemed like it was taking forever at times, planning for a wedding day and then the miscarriage.  
  
Miscarriage is such an odd word, it doesn't even half convey the sadness, regret and loss that comes with it. I didn't even have the slightest sign that I had something inside of me until the night before it happened, Sam and I had been at a State Dinner, it had been a big night for him, his biggest night since he'd got back to work after the stabbing. The speech Toby and he, mainly he, wrote was perfect in every way and proved what I'd reassured him of late at night when he couldn't sleep and worried about ever giving enough of a damn again about his job again, conveying every strength the President possessed and for the King of Spain, it contained so many beautiful words and imageries.  
  
The Sam I witnessed after the speech and after having received a huge bear hug from the President and just about all of us, was the Sam of old. Laughing, joking, modest and happy in his work.  
  
6 hours later back in our bed, the stomach pains had increased to a level I didn't think possible for what I thought was a simple case of bad pork, as much as I wanted Sam to hug and help me, one look at his face peaceful and rested for the first time in so long was enough to convince me at that pain that I could handle the cramps on my own. As I somehow made it into the bathroom, my legs could suddenly no longer support my weight and I just fell on the floor. The pain that followed was unlike anything I had ever experienced and here and now hope I never experience again.  
  
Sam says that when he woke up and realised I wasn't in bed, he hadn't been worried and turned over again, five minutes later he was again awake and this time something told him to come to the bathroom door.  
  
I don't know how long I was lying on that floor, I do remember seeing the blood and I remember in my confused state of mind thinking that it was such a beautiful colour of red, I can just remember rocking back and forth and shivering as the door opened and Sam came in. All that happened after was such a blur, I just remember the terror in Sam's eyes and the way he stroked me and told me everything would be okay.  
  
He said I kept mumbling about bad pork and that I kept saying how sorry I was. Again he tells me this but I don't remember.  
  
The next thing I remember was waking up in a room alone. Perhaps this has been my problem, in all my dreams I never imagined Sam and I would ever be apart again at least not when it mattered, I always dreamt that Sam would be my knight in shining armour but now cold, alone and so scared I was in this grey, antiseptic smelling room, in a hospital I guessed but really I could have been anywhere. It didn't matter and neither did I obviously. When Sam had been ill, I'd been by his side always, he was nowhere when I needed him.  
  
I think I'd drifted again to sleep but as I woke up next time, he was there clutching my hand and gazing at me with all the love I used to feel so blessed with. The first conscious thing I can remember doing was pulling my hand away from his and asking him where he'd been.  
  
He looked confused for a moment before his face fell. Did you wake before he asked to which I didn't respond I just stared at him unblinkingly, I think I asked him what happened then, somewhere in the back of my mind I think I knew what was going on but I needed to hear the words for myself. His hands reached for mine again but I didn't want to know, I repeated my question again.  
  
Apparently and of course it hadn't been food poisoning, I'd lost a child, our child, no my child. Sam hadn't even known about it. I guess at that stage I was telling myself that I had known about her and that no one else had a right to mourn her. Again what happened next is a blur but five minutes later Sam had stood up from his chair and casting one hurt and scared look at me, he left the room.  
  
Over the next few hours, a doctor had come to see me to explain what had happened, the miscarriage was a lot more common that people probably realised she explained and particularly so in the first 12 weeks, She had been 11 weeks old when she died, 11 weeks, enough for her to grow some fingers and toes, to maybe even have a tiny nose and perhaps a heart that beat and yes she had a name. Eve.  
  
After several arguments with the nursing staff, 6 hours later I had gone, Sam had telephoned twice to speak to me, both times I asked them to tell him I was asleep. I know he feels that I punished him that day, in fact I think I was punishing myself. I actually believed that I was the one who had been bad, I obviously wouldn't have been a suitable mommy for Eve. I wasn't worthy of the love that this man could give me and the gentle and heartfelt promises he would surely make in the next few hard days.  
  
I went home, to my home, even though we were engaged, the sometime pessimist in me had persuaded me to keep my apartment for rainy days. It was a good place to try something new too. It was raining outside which was odd for a midsummer day, I should have caught a cab home but instead I walked, I still hadn't cried and the thought hadn't even crossed my mind. I don't think I actually had any thoughts at all in mind, I remember stopping off at a liquor store on the way home and something in my head warning me not to buy the bottle of scotch.  
  
Before you even think it, no I didn't try to kill myself, I'm Billy Hayes' daughter I don't do that sort of thing. I think that was perhaps the turning point, I simply sat in my grandmothers old rocking chair clutching the bottle of scotch rocking back and forth and rubbed my stomach talking to a child that was no longer there, apologising to her for not knowing her longer and talking about the brothers and sisters that would surely know about Eve and the place she had held in her mommy and daddy's life. As I rocked back and forth and thought of the last 17 hours of my life. I knew what I had to do and picked up the phone.  
  
She had arrived quickly and held me in her arms for almost an hour, we sat quietly for so long just basking in the comfort and friendship that only female best friends can share, or maybe I'm wrong, s'just I can't see Josh and Sam sitting together holding hands able to remain so quiet for so long without one or the other thinking the press better not get hold of this picture. Donna was just like my mom only younger, gentler and so much more understanding. She was everything I needed that night and she was the one that brought me to this day.  
  
That evening it was as though she sensed that the last thing I wanted was to talk about me, there was time for that later, that evening she talked about her life, laughing at her days with Dr Freeride but I saw much there to ask about on a night that wasn't tonight, she talked of the gratefulness she would always feel to all on the senior staff for taking her back and rescuing her life, I guess I knew how that felt and the love that she had been denying for so long and the joy, relief and the dreams that maybe weren't so fluffy and for a totally alternative universe of a life with Josh.  
  
I think it was as she was talking of her love for Josh that the tears finally fell, they weren't big tears, I wasn't wailing and they didn't go on for long, they were almost the best thing though, and as Donna stroked my hair and dared to talk of Sam and the fact that he had stopped by at Josh's office in the West Wing, wet, cold and so very vulnerable and his eyes had been wet with tears not just for the love of my baby, no our baby but for the loss of us. He truly believed he had lost me, those few moments I had woken first had been the moments when Sam had left to walk back with Josh and Donna to their car.  
  
I just hadn't given him the chance, I had wanted to punish him , I didn't want to consider that it was a reaction to stop myself thinking of the guilt I felt and the neglect of my body resulting in the death of such a small creature, our baby.  
  
I was exhausted by now, but insisted that Donna help me this one last time. As we drove through the rain, another feeling hit my stomach altogether, one of fear of losing someone else so prescious. As I ran up the stairs to Josh's front door, the door opened and out he stepped, we stood staring at each other in the rain for what felt like forever, I moved first and reached out to his hand, this time neither of us drew away from each other, the touch of the tips of his fingers were enough as I fell into his arms and we sobbed there in the rain on a wet July night.  
  
The days and weeks following that day haven't been easy, sometimes I feel that we're treading on eggshells still around each other, I snap more often, I cry a lot these days and I so easily forget that only 7 months and 3 days I almost lost a lot more than a tiny thing that hadn't even grown a full heart yet, I almost lost a person that I love and think of all the time.  
  
I touch my hair for what feels like the 99th time already today and as the person next to smiles and strokes my face, I'm still not sure this is the right thing to do.  
  
I finally step out in the September air and take a deep breath. Every doubt is coming back to me so fast now, every emotion from the last 14 months of my life seems so clear and the bad days feel like yesterday. The person who was smiling at me takes my arm and leads me inside.  
  
As I look at each familiar face as I move ever closer, I see CJ and Toby arm in arm, arm in arm? No please let me turn around and make sure my eyes weren't deceiving me, I see Ginger, Bonnie and Carol smiling at me, is that sympathy I can see in their eyes, I then see Charlie and Leo, Leo in particular grinning broadly, surely he's not thinking I'm insane. I then see the faces of Josh and Donna, Donna smiling so beautifully and Josh winking, they truly look so wonderful together, so well suited, and again the doubts creep in. I see so many more faces and still am forcing every step as I move closer. The faces are some that I barely know and some that I know so well, Christie, Jennifer, and Mom looking as proud as I can ever recall.  
  
The person next to me suddenly stops and I realise then that this is my cue to stop too and I turn to look fully at the person on my left who kisses me on the cheek and kisses my hand. I almost feel him push me lightly forward. It's time, I can run and hide again or face the future for once....  
  
And I feel myself move forward to stand next to this man, oh gosh no, not this again, you can say it you know.  
  
'Hey Sam' I smile at the new man now on my left.  
  
'Ains, you're ten minutes late' he grins.  
  
A gentle cough disturbs us and we face forward our attention fully on the man now in front of us.  
  
The squeeze of the hand from Sam on my left tells me all I need to know about my decision as I concentrate on the man before us.  
  
'Ladies and gentlemen, we are here today to celebrate the union of man and woman and to herald the start of a long and happy life for these two people Samuel Norman Seaborn and Ainsley Grace Hayes, please be seated'.................................  
  
The end.  
Well, if you've got this far, thanks so much for devoting your time to reading this series. What did you think of it though? I actually first posted this as 6 seperate parts about a year and a half ago and am thinking of doing some more fics but first what was good about this series? (if anything), what could have been better? Should I be locked up so I never do another fanfic again. Any feedback hugely and very gratefully received to tonibuffs@aol.com. Apologies for all the gibbering before each chapter, am the worlds worst at it. Thanks for any feedback.  
  
Thankyou! 


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